Space Inside Your Heart
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The girls called for a "big girls' meeting" last night. We try to have one every few months. We sit in my room or one of their rooms and talk about just about everything. It helps when you have a big family and some weeks all you have time for in a given day is "good morning," "good night," "did you do your duty (chores)?" or "how was your test?" We have a family meeting every night but I hardly ever get to sit with just the girls, or just the boys. The girls had their meeting last night. The topics ranged from body image, to boys, to annoying little brothers and sisters. I always find the meetings very entertaining. It's refreshing to be brought back to exactly what it was like to be that age. Then the big boys called for a meeting of their own tonight. We talked about swimming pools, and soccer cleats, and underwear, and being scared of ghosts at night. Gosh, they crack me up. The thing I love about having so many of them is that they're all so close and it's like they're in it together. It's comforting to know they have each other.
I am not the perfect mom. I am definitely learning as I go and I definitely have mess-ups. I had one the other day when one of my boys shared something with me in private and I blurted it out around the fire in front of everyone. It was a really funny story that he told me but I should have known it was meant for only me and not to share it. I felt like such a jerk afterwards. The look of disappointment on his face made my heart sink. I obviously apologized but still wondered if my little guy would ever tell me anything in confidence again. One thing that I've learned as of late is that I'm a much better mom, and a much better person when I'm not stressed, when I've taken time to myself to go for a walk, or read a book, or just breathe a little. It's counter intuitive which I guess is why it's hard. When you think of Super Mom, you think about her putting a band-aid on a boo boo, or reading bed time stories, or drawing with side walk chalk, or cooking something... you don't necessarily envision her doing yoga in her room by herself--- or alone ever but that's exactly the time and space you need to be able to do all that other stuff so well.
I am embracing the learning and growing that comes a long with raising children. Having so many of them has made me grow up pretty fast. I don't get nearly as much as I'd like to get done in a given day and when I do get a lot done it's usually because I've sacrificed quality time with them. Most nights I put N to bed and fall asleep right beside him and at the end of every day I'm left pretty awe-struck. It's unbelievable how much I love these kids... every single one of them. It makes you wonder how much space for love there actually is inside your heart. Sometimes it feels like it's infinite.